Today I participated in Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness day. It's a day that I hope and pray no one ever has to experience. Last year at this time I was wondering if I myself could be pregnant, and of course exactly five days later I would find out I was. While filled with fear it was the happiest 20 weeks of my life. I did walk around praying that I would be able to carry our baby to term and have a beautiful healthy child. Once I passed my first trimester mark I felt it was actually happening! I avoided looking at pregnancy loss ribbons or myspace pages, because I felt if I didn't look at it then it couldn't happen to me. I felt something that horrific could never happen to us. I had friends who had lost babies later in their pregnancy, but I couldn't think of that...I couldn't be bothered with the facts of it. It was a very unfortunate event for them..not me. However in an instant I realized it can happen to anyone. In the blink of an eye the dreams of our baby girl were shattered. Something was wrong and she was coming and would not survive because she was too young. I was and still am broken hearted. I will never get over the loss of my child, and wish that no one would ever go through what we have been through. Of course I have learned different...I have been opened up to a whole new world. A world where parent's do die before their children, and life isn't as you expect it to be.
I took some time today to reflect on the short time we had with Bryanna, and what her life may have looked like. I miss my baby so much...I wish more then anything she was here today instead of in Heaven. I wish I was holding her today instead of lighting a candle for her..but this is how our life has played out. A good friend, who is pregnant, emailed me today and told me she feels like Bryanna is her baby's angel. It took me by surprised but made me smile knowing that she thought like that. If Bryanna is Karen's baby's angel then I know one day she will be our baby's angel as well.
Anyway, my heart goes out to the millions of people who are also very aware of what today was, and for that very reason I lit not only a candle for our baby girl, but also a candle for all the other babies that were lost way too soon.