Friday, April 30, 2010

This is the last...

You will hear about is she or isn't she pregnant for awhile. The answer is...No, I'm not. I went out and spent another $15 on test....let's not discuss the things I could have done now with that money instead. Seeing "Not Pregnant" was a whole lot easier then deciphering lines! I'm ok with these results though. Something about the Not making it more final for this month. The lines and the could there be a line really there truly just stinks. I have decided that digital's will be the only way to go from now on. Yes, they are more expensive, but worth my sanity in the end!

Anyway on to other things! Last month I won a giveaway to a blog I read. Women Who Do It All was hosting a giveaway by The Vintage Pearl. Check out both websites they are pretty cool, and the Vintage Pearl has lots of cool things! I had a pretty hard time deciding what I wanted. The necklace that I had wrote down I wanted I decided it would go along with way too many questions, and I just wasn't sure I wanted to deal with that every time I wore it. So I combined two of my favorites can this is what I came up with...

My pictures don't do it justice! It really is just beautiful! The words "you are worth it all" are very significant, they serve as a reminder that everything we are currently going through to get our forever baby will be worth it all one day. Our baby will be worth all the pain of these months of BFN, tears, medications, and weight gain. This necklace came in at a perfect time, and as soon as I got it I put it on to remind myself that it will be OK. One day I will wear this necklace as well when I'm holding on to our forever baby.

I was also in for a huge honor tonight! My best friend Karen called and asked if I wanted to be her son Noah's Godmother. Of course I accepted. It breaks my heart that I can not be there for his baptism on Saturday, but I will do everything in my power to be the best Godmother to him! Now I have to do some shopping to buy him a little cross necklace! I'm so excited about this, and can't wait to plan a visit to see my new little Godson again!

This weekend will most likely find us busy. The kids have a soccer game in the morning, and tomorrow night I'm going out with a friend for Sushi and drinks. Sunday I get to have a girls day of shopping, and somewhere I have to find time to bake and update you guys on all the goings on! I have actually enjoyed updating my blog the past 3 days, so you might just get more of me after all!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

Ode to the Evaporation Line

I struggled for a long time about whether I wanted to go here with this blog. My deciding factor was to go for it. I decided that trying to have a baby is a huge part of my life, and if I leave out that concept you might never get a feel for who I really am. With that being said I do not plan on this blog primarily being used for an outlet of my TTC frustrations.

However today you WILL here my frustrations on TTC. I'm about 14 days past ovulation, and today is 2 weeks from the date of my trigger. My Dr. told me to test today, and after yesterdays negative result I wasn't sure I was going to test today. However about 10am I got the urge to go to the bathroom and couldn't help myself. I took the test and again saw nothing. This led me to pulling apart the test and again nothing. I tossed it in the trash broken and all. Two hours later I find myself back in the bathroom fishing through the trash. It is not without guilt that I share this with you. However as I pulled out the test my heart skipped a beat as I saw a very very light pink line. Of course 2 hours after taking the test I can't be sure if it was a positive test that took a little longer then the allowed 2 mins I gave it, or if it was an dreaded evaporation line!

Of course not knowing which it was I pulled out my camera...

which then lead me to do this...

and this...

and of course this...

I guess if AF doesn't show up in the next few days I will take a digital test and confirm...did I mention I'm obsessed.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I Would Die For That


Today I am sad. I can't even begin to express how much today sucks. I know I have once again been MIA, but this past month has had me running around from place to place. We got home from Texas about three weeks ago, and since then I have been spending time with my best friend Karen, and her little boys. Today Karen moved away. This is one thing that sucks about being a military family. You get close to people, and eventually they move away. Karen and I met oh about 7 years ago when we were suffering in the lodge in Hawaii. We were both awaiting military housing, and after long days in the hotel room we would meet up outside at night time where she would smoke and we would talk. Later we would meet up a few times around base before finally exchanging phone numbers. There was no looking back at that time we became best friends. She was my shopping buddy, my shoulder to lean on, and my best friend! I saw her through two births, and she saw me through the death of my angel. I don't know where I would have been this past year without her around to listen to me. It's going to suck not being able to hang out with her, or pick up my home phone whenever I want to chat. A 3 hour time difference is a big deal after all. Luckily I'm already plotting a little trip out to visit with her when she gets settled, and I get settled into my new job.

Today also sucks, because it seems as if though I'm managed yet again to fail at yet another medicated cycle. I really felt this was it. I mean really how many pills, and injections does a person have to take before getting a baby. Teenagers have children daily, and yet I want a child so bad and it just won't happen! Seeing a negative pregnancy test hurts so much...and each time I look at one I feel like it is doing this to me...

Yeah I know...really nice and mature, but it's like the damn thing is mocking me. What's the point of getting your hopes up and going out to spend money on a damn obsession of peeing on sticks anyway? What could I be doing with that money instead? Well for starters I could have bought the new Candace Bushnell book yesterday instead. I could happily be sitting here reading instead of being tortured and having taken two test today just to see the same result (refer to eff you pregnancy test above).

So considering the fact that I have no best friend here, and no pregnancy to speak of, it's time that I get my house organized. I mean after all I should be starting a new job in about a week and a half. I should get this house in order so the weeks are much less stressful on me. I should also get back to working on my cross stitch project since I have decided I in fact am going to do my kitchen in a vineyard theme. I mean since I have grown fond of wine and all.