Today I come to you stressed and anxious. I hadn't planned on posting anything today which is why I left you with the Wordless Wednesday post. I have been feeling sick again lately. I'm not even sure if sick is the right words since I know almost certainty it is in my head. You see I suffer from anxiety. This is something that is about a year old. Well, that's not really true...the anxiety has been around for years, but how extreme it is is fairly new. I have been doing good for the past 3 months, and while that doesn't seem like a long time to most..the severity that it was means that this is a huge step for me. However with the changes that life has brought my way recently I feel myself sinking back into it. My best fried of 7 years just moved away (I have shared this with you), and for the first time in 15 months I am going back to work. I'm a little on edge since it's a new position in something I have never done before! While this is an exciting time it's bringing about change to my life. I find myself nervous because it makes me wonder if we have to put TTC on hold. As I mentioned in a previous post my doctor can't get me in for a new appointment until July. I wonder if when I can get in will I be able to go to the appointments as needed. My new employers know about us TTC and my doctors appointments, and they have been approved. Still I worry.
While I'm being honest with you, I should mention that we haven't been to church in almost a year. While we did attend service on Easter while we were in Texas, we haven't been to our home church since Father's Day. After we lost Bryanna we were really good about going weekly. I needed questions answered and I needed to speak to God and felt the closest place to do so was in church. We were doing so good, but then we missed one mass and that turned into two and before we knew it a month passed, and now almost a year. I'm not happy about these turn of events. I feel like I need God in my life. After Bryanna's passing I wasn't angry with him I just (like i mentioned) had questions. I feel that now the anxiety is taking over again and I'm worry about when and if we will conceive it's time to put my life in his hands again.
I have to admit..while I'm sitting in church I feel so lost. I get lost in the language and my mind wonders. I don't know how to avoid this, but I vow to do better. Last year while we were going into church I found myself interested in watching Fireproof. One of the songs from the movie caught my attention and I feel it's suitable for this situation as well.
I realize this entire process is out of my hands, and sometimes that is hard to admit! I also realize I need to gain patience which to be honest I have none. What little I did have at one time flew out the window last year. I was given some advice not to long ago, let release my worries to God. **Thanks Amber** Complete with that advice she left behind a quote that I find very inspirational.
Psalm 3:5-6: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and don't lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will set your path.
I will also leave you with a picture I came across just now that also spoke to me.
***just realized this says I feel to my knees instead of I fell to my knees...eh it gets the point across anyway.***