Tomorrow I start my third week at work! The day I started work was exactly 15 months from when Bryanna passed away, and a day shy of 15 months since I had quit my last job. Going back was hard...especially that day. Now, three weeks later it was a good choice. I love having extra money to shop with, and love to get out of the house daily and do something useful. The kids are settled in after school care, and summer vacation care is paid for. I'm working for a mortgage company, and so far I love it. I do tons of normal office duties, and learn more everyday. I love not having to go to work and change diapers, and actually having a big girl job! Now, if I could just motivate myself to come home and work out I would be good lol. I'm worried that with this job and sitting all day I'm going to gain weight! I must find some healthy snacks to keep at my desk! Ideas are welcome! I also need to learn how to balance my house work! It seems as if I can never catch up on laundry, and the last thing I want to do when I get home is cook dinner! Hopefully as the days go on and I get more into a routine I can fall back into a home routine as well!
Today I come to you stressed and anxious. I hadn't planned on posting anything today which is why I left you with the Wordless Wednesday post. I have been feeling sick again lately. I'm not even sure if sick is the right words since I know almost certainty it is in my head. You see I suffer from anxiety. This is something that is about a year old. Well, that's not really true...the anxiety has been around for years, but how extreme it is is fairly new. I have been doing good for the past 3 months, and while that doesn't seem like a long time to most..the severity that it was means that this is a huge step for me. However with the changes that life has brought my way recently I feel myself sinking back into it. My best fried of 7 years just moved away (I have shared this with you), and for the first time in 15 months I am going back to work. I'm a little on edge since it's a new position in something I have never done before! While this is an exciting time it's bringing about change to my life. I find myself nervous because it makes me wonder if we have to put TTC on hold. As I mentioned in a previous post my doctor can't get me in for a new appointment until July. I wonder if when I can get in will I be able to go to the appointments as needed. My new employers know about us TTC and my doctors appointments, and they have been approved. Still I worry.
While I'm being honest with you, I should mention that we haven't been to church in almost a year. While we did attend service on Easter while we were in Texas, we haven't been to our home church since Father's Day. After we lost Bryanna we were really good about going weekly. I needed questions answered and I needed to speak to God and felt the closest place to do so was in church. We were doing so good, but then we missed one mass and that turned into two and before we knew it a month passed, and now almost a year. I'm not happy about these turn of events. I feel like I need God in my life. After Bryanna's passing I wasn't angry with him I just (like i mentioned) had questions. I feel that now the anxiety is taking over again and I'm worry about when and if we will conceive it's time to put my life in his hands again.
I have to admit..while I'm sitting in church I feel so lost. I get lost in the language and my mind wonders. I don't know how to avoid this, but I vow to do better. Last year while we were going into church I found myself interested in watching Fireproof. One of the songs from the movie caught my attention and I feel it's suitable for this situation as well.
I realize this entire process is out of my hands, and sometimes that is hard to admit! I also realize I need to gain patience which to be honest I have none. What little I did have at one time flew out the window last year. I was given some advice not to long ago, let release my worries to God. **Thanks Amber** Complete with that advice she left behind a quote that I find very inspirational.
Psalm 3:5-6: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and don't lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will set your path.
I will also leave you with a picture I came across just now that also spoke to me.
***just realized this says I feel to my knees instead of I fell to my knees...eh it gets the point across anyway.***
I believe it's time for a new family photo. Our last one was taken 3 years ago. I had planned on holding out until we had the baby, but after she passed away we put it on hold even longer. I then wanted to wait until we had a new baby, but as we are closely approaching the 4 year mark from our last family photo I feel now is the time. Our last photo session was in Hawaii. The pictures turned out beautiful...
Do you see how little my boys were! They were babies! I now have big boys on my hands. I often don't realize how big they have gotten until I look at old pictures of them. In these pictures Bryan and I weren't even married yet! Since then the closest to a family picture we have gotten is...
This picture was taken in October, and luckily we all looked decent in it. I have been searching photos online, but I have no idea where to start. Since we did a "scenic" portrait last time I'm thinking it may be nice to go studio this time around. I mean do we wear the same colors again? We got some slack on that last time, but isn't that what people do? I also don't want cheesy studio pics I want something creative and cute. This is the reasoning behind doing photos on location in the past. I know of a place down the street that has amazing reviews, but after looking at his prices he seems a bit pricey. How much do you even pay for family photos? In the past I have paid a lot, but being in Hawaii I thought it was normal. I would rather not go to a studio like Penney's or Sears, and go to someone who does it on their own. I know I'm looking at higher prices this way though...I guess it's time to start getting serious and looking around for somewhere.
Today I sat around all morning and didn't get a thing accomplished. Today I got up around 11ish from the couch and started cleaning my house, making a grocery list, did two loads of laundry and baked some cookies.
Today is my last Monday off for who knows how long. Today I feel somewhat better after being sick Saturday night and all day Sunday. Yesterday I promised myself no more sushi for a long time...if ever again. Yesterday I vegged all day feeling sick and sorry for myself. Today I am on CD2, and just found out I can't get another appointment until July. Today I am a little stressed out because the doctor is allowing me to do a cycle of clomid not monitored. Today I should have gone to the grocery store this morning, but instead I'm going in just a few minutes. Today I realized I miss my best friend, and that being a military family really does suck sometimes. Today I managed to post an entire blog with almost every sentence beginning with today.
I'm a 27 year old wife, daughter, sister, and mother to two boys and a beautiful angel Baby in Heaven, and a little girl on the way. I enjoy baking, crafting, and spending time with family. Life is about to get a lot more interesting as I once again enter the world of a SAHM, with a brand new baby girl, and a move back to our little island in the sun!
