Heavy

I go into this week with a heavy heart. This past year has brought me to my knees. At my lowest point this year I didn't know if it would ever be possible to pull myself back together. This week has me reliving the smallest details. The tiniest things most people wouldn't remember my brain won't let me forget. I can tell you what I wore a year ago tomorrow and can probably tell you everything I wore for the rest of the week up until that horrible day I went into the hospital. I can probably tell you what I was doing minute by minute. This is not something I'm proud of..in face it's something I wish my mind would let me forget. You see I can't forget...I can't forget because it's my last precious moments with her. This racing heart as much as I hate it I know it stems from my pain and anxiety of what next week holds.

We should be planning a first birthday party, and instead I'm wondering what I can do special to memorialize her. I plan to make cupcakes...not to watch her crumble in between her little hands but so we can think of what might have been. I will not hold my child this day, but hold her urn in my hands. I will not see her giggle in delight at all her gifts, but imagine her sitting in God's lap on this day smiling down on us. I have missed out on what would have been her first year of life, but I know she hasn't missed out on seeing us. I often wonder do I make her sad or disappointed in me with my tears, does she hate to sit and watch me cry? I know she must because I know that when I'm feeling down I don't see signs from her. I know she only comes around when I'm in a good place...

So baby girl just for you..I will try my hardest to be in a better place this next year...Mommy loves you honey.